New Motherhood Wrecked Me.

But here’s what I know now.

Sometimes I look back at my time as a new mother and think it traumatized me. I know that sounds dramatic, and frankly, it is. However, when I was in it, I felt so overwhelmed and insecure that I do think there was a touch of trauma involved.

It was most likely my own trauma from childhood bubbling up in a way I’ve still yet to fully understand as a mom even 15 years in, but I do think that being a mom was really hard for me in the beginning for a lot of reasons.

Postpartum depression hit me every time I had another baby as well as postpartum anxiety.

I felt like I was an emotional mess barely keeping her head above water. And, some days I for sure was. There were days where I questioned my abilities, but also questioned my life choices. And my biggest fear of all?

I wasn’t enjoying it enough.

It’s always annoyed me that I felt this immense pressure to soak it all in and “enjoy ever second.” I hated that phrase. Still do.

I know it’s well intentioned, and I totally understand the sentiment better now that the empty nest years are closer to my reality than the memories of the little kid years.

I was always afraid as a new mom.